Vampires are rather strange creatures indeed.
While you should have every single reason to fear them as you normally would, they often conduct themselves in extremely odd manners, especially those of the Malkavian lineage. Why are these Malkavian Vampires something to be worried about?
Because they are insane.
Very insane. Insane enough to the point that they have the uncanny ability to inflict their insanity upon others, or in the words of some of their own, "To help others see more clearly."
Damn crazy bastards. And it's terrible that some of my best allies have to have the curse of Malkav upon them. I swear to everything that I once worshiped, albeit that He must despise me for what I am now, that these particular vampires are some of the most damned of them all. Damn it, why! I swear I shouldn't have to deal with shit like this.
It's never fair, I suppose. Ever since the times when I didn't have to breathe shit never was fair. And even before then it wasn't fair. Travel across the damn Pacific just to kill a bunch of Charlies that are all poisoned by those damn commie scum. Ehh, no bother. Then again, I never had to wear a dress before without worrying for my life.
Yeah, you heard me right you filthy dogs, I wore a dress. Tch. Certainly not the most proud highlight of my life, but definitely not the worst. And no, I'm not telling you what I've been through that's been worse. Not at this moment in time, at least. And I'm sure by the the time my soul will finally get to rest that I'll end up having even worse blotches on my record...
Tch, I might as well get on with this night's crappy events 'fore I head off for sleep. It's about 4am right now, and while I do enjoy being back in England, it sure was nice having a shorter night back in Egypt. Less time for bad things to happen, less time for my enemies to bother me, really. Less time for me to worry about my Lunatic friends doing stupid things.
So we came to England from Egypt the other night on a really, really big ferry ship. I slept most of the time in the back of our really kick-ass army truck that we "Acquired" from some Vampire Hunters the other night. Man, the guy who we took this truck from must've been really damn cool to have had all of these cool guns and stuff in it. So... nice... I picked myself up a new (Well, new in the sense that it's now mine...) Colt M4A1 Assault Rifle and an M60 Heavy Machine Gun... God... so good... But I'm getting off from where I should be getting to, so let's continue. (Damnit, I think those Malkavian Lunatics really did mess with my mind back there)
So, we get off the boat and head to some bar that our good Nosferatu (Well, he's a wannabe Setite) Rupert had once visited. It was quite the dump, but I couldn't resist a little bit of dancing. Heh heh, ever since we busted up that Toreador's dancing studio I felt like I've had some of my old life come back into me, and I have this urge to dance again. *Sigh* I kinda miss being human. But anyways, Rupert doesn't seem to like my dancing (Tch, what a bastard, I think being so ugly has made him hate anything that resembles beauty) and he picks me up and throws me through a door. It hurt. But I hurt the door more because it broke down and I got up and gave Rupert the finger. Felt good. I've been wanting to give that stupid brit the finger for quite a long time. He's so fucking paranoid and ugly. Anyways... He tells us that we need to go find out as much as we can about what's been going on so we split up and check out the city.
Just to my luck, who do I get to tour the city with? Why, no one else but the fucking Malkavians, that's who!
Tch. Just my luck. So I'm babysitting the little girl and the cripple when I decide I realize we're in the bar... So I jump behind the counter, find myself a bottle of whiskey and I come back outside the bar and sit down. One of the biggest things I miss the most since I've been stuck with this fucking curse is that I can't eat any food, or drink any drink outside of blood, (Not to say that blood isn't damn fucking good, as it most certainly is) and I really miss my precious alcohol. At least I can look like I'm good and drunk and having a good time. *Sigh*
So while I'm chilling on a bench outside the bar, we hear this creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy laughter coming from all around us. I mean, really damn creepy laughter. I've seen some scary movies, (And I've seen some scary ass supernatural shit too) but this was the most fucked up laughter ever. I finally notice the source of this laughter, a group of five really rag-tag miscreants who look like they've just come out of a mental institution, with the notable exception that they haven't really been cured yet. Well, I offer them some of my whiskey and they just, well, for a lack of a better term, ignored me. *Sigh* I can't even get other people good and drunk anymore.
Just at that moment, it dawned on me.
"Gee, maybe all of this is the cause of that Malkavian Elder that we're here to kill! In that case, he might be around here so we had better hide!"
With this single thought in my head, I grabbed the little girl in my left arm, hoisted the cripple in his wheelchair in my other arm, and we head off for the nearest building, a hotel. I figure now's a good time to let Rupert know that we've seen some scary shit and that I'm gonna set up a sniping position when he tells me:
"Blooday 'ell, what're yew doin' up thehre anyways! Yore supposed to be a the barrghe you buggah!"
Fucking asshole, I swear.
So I pick up my two comrades and head over to the barge. (That would be Rupert's fancy word for a big ship) And guess what happens when I get there? The rest of the guys are about to haul ass away in the army truck and I'm forced to jump in with the two lunatics at the last second. *Sigh* At least I still have my precious guns.
We get to the meeting spot, some rundown parking structure and Rupert goes over new plans. The little girl, Nimue, and I are to head over to the Malkavian Elder's mansion, and the rest of them are going to go have some happy joy praying in the nearby church. Talk about fair. "You blooday fools go buggah off to tha mansion and we're g'w'in' to tha church."
Ehh. Bastard.
When I get to the mansion, I do my usually survey of the battlefield... Mansion atop a hill, only one visible entrance, several windows... and Nimue knocking on the door.
"Huh? What the fuck! NIMUE GET BACK HERE NOW!"
Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat. This is why I hate Malkavians. So, the door opens, and she tells me to come inside. We get inside, and I'm greeted with a rather pretty young lady, who looks to be about 20-25, except that she thinks she's as young as eight. JOY. Now I have two little girls, and the best part is that both of them are fucking insane. Damn. Finally, I see a swordsman come down the staircase and I'm thinking, "Yeah man, finally, someone who looks like he's got some sense in 'im!" So I call out to him,
"Samurai! Hello!" Good choice of words, I know. They never really taught us to be eloquent in the army.
We exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes and then he realized that we hadn't signed hospitality papers! So, he grabs some papers, I fill them out (They had some really weird questions on them, I mean, "Do you eat beans?" God, I swear I'm up to my head in Malkavians right now.) After I filled out the papers, he tossed them in the fireplace and then led me downstairs to let Nimue fill out her papers. Well, I don't know if she filled them out, as the rest of what happened was a maniacal blur...
I recall telling "My daughter" (Nimue, tch, I figured out that these people were insane and I might as well act insane too) that we had to go and one of our good hosts, Gwen, told me that she didn't want us to leave. She then told me that I'd look really good in a dress.
FUCK! I've got some insane woman of unthinkable powers telling me that I should put on a dress. If I even wanted to think about just pulling out my Desert Eagle from my jacket pocket and shooting her dead, I'd have to worry about her trying to use some freaky-ass jedi mind-control trick on me. Goddamnit. And even if I could resist some garbage like that, I still would have to get through our insane swordsman here, and quite frankly, I think he might actually be tougher than me.
Well, only on a sword to sword level, that is. If we were out on the battlefield, I would have shot him dead long before he could have reached me. But such was not the case, we were standing right next to each other, and I really don't doubt his ability to relieve me of my head before I could have my handgun ready...
Which brings us back to the world of reality and the dress being offered to me.
'Shit,' I thought to myself, 'I gotta stall out of this.'
"Oh, I think it looks wonderful! I'd love to try it on once I get home. I'm sure that my daughter would like it too!"
'Ha, that'll work.
"Oh, but I think you'd look great with it on now! Try it on now!"
Fuck. No way out of this. Tch, hopefully Nimue won't mention this to anyone... So I put on the dress... I have never felt... so... flaming gay before. And quite frankly, if Nimue laughed any louder, I might have killed her. =(
Well, I actually almost did, now that I think about it. I must've frenzied (And it's been a damn long time since I've done that) as I had a jump in my memory from feeling very pissed off to licking Gwen's shoes. Fucking bitch. I swear I'm going to either kill her or if I were still alive I would... Tch. I'll just kill her and diablerize her sorry ass for that. Just as I was realizing that I'm quite fucked and that I have no way out of here, I hear quite a bit of commotion coming from outside as some other little girl opens the door and peaks her head in.
"You bitch!" says Nimue as she jumps to her feet... I'm gonna bet that she wanted to dominate our Japanese schoolgirl, but she ran... err... flew away. Gwen went to go chase after her, and I realized... NOW'S MY CHANCE TO GET BACK INTO MY CLOTHES! I look for the zipper as quickly as I can, and just as I pull it down... what do I see? I see Sargeant Major. And guess what he sees...
Me.
In a blue dress.
"FUCK!
I change back into my clothes and leave as quickly as I can, taking my tattered pride with me... I get back to our parking garage, tell the rest of the gang and Rupert that we should just get some really big explosives and blow the entire house to shit, and then I crawled back into the army truck and started writing this.
Piss me off.
Life's definitely not fair... I swear. But y'know, it's getting on to about 5:30 now, and I'm feeling really drowsy... *Yawn*
Time for bed. Hopefully tomorrow night will bring better luck...
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